Communication

She has been living in harmony for some time now. All for one, and one for all.

And then, the fall.


The Narrator says...

It's raining outside. She can hear the rain on the sliding door.  It always rains on the sad days, she thinks.  The sound of the raindrops on the glass door fill her ears, and for a second she thinks of running outside to soak herself in it, like she did when she was little. But she knows it's not that simple anymore.

She looks up, and around the room frantically, looking for anyone who knows what to do.

" Please! What do I do?" The tears well up in her eyes, and she knows the great collapse is inevitable. "I will do whatever you tell me, please!"

Sparky sits on the couch, flipping through channels at a rapid pace. Casually, their eyes meet, and a smirk crawls across Sparky's lips. Or is it a grimace? (It can be almost impossible to tell the difference sometimes.) With a look of practiced innocence, Sparky shrugs her shoulders, and pouts, damming herself.

The guilt overwhelms her, and she begins to cry out, " Nina, please help me! Make this pain stop, give me something to look forward to!' She begs Nina with her eyes, hoping her stare will burn through the music blaring in Nina's headphones as she is crouched in the corner by the sliding door. Nina only continues to nod her head rhythmically, softly humming something that sounds like a Ray Manzarek tune, and doesn't look up. She wants to be where Nina is. She feels so left behind.

In a moment of pure desperation, she looks to Susie standing by the hallway. " Just tell me what to do and I'll do it! How do I fix this? How do I make it okay? I didn't mean for it to happen this way. Please, tell me how I make this okay!" The tears are running down her cheeks now, and there is no going back.

 Susie only scoffs and looks away in pure disgust, turns away and walks down the dark hallway. Out of sight.

Her cry is deafening. Her sobs invade every cell in her body, overtaking her. She falls to her knees, hoping she'll shatter. Hoping she'll break apart, painfully, but unsalvageably.

Searching for the sound of the rain to drown her out, she tries to hush herself enough to listen for it, but to no avail. Louder and louder, her sobs grow. With each heave of her chest, she releases a  wail unlike any she has ever heard. And lying at the very bottom of the sound, lurking down by her diaphragm, fueling each wind, is Persy. She just knows it.

"You are alone and you are dammed. And you did this to yourself," Persy sings, lining each desperate cry with it.

She screams, "No!" It reverberates against every wall and comes  barreling right back at her, punching her in the gut. She buries her face in her hands and holds her breath, waiting. For death? For life? For mercy?

The sound of the rain returns, as it begins to pour outside. She exhales slowly, and is relieved when only tears accompany it. Her screaming has died, but she's still afraid to open her eyes. What if the real world is still there? She smashes her hands even harder into her cheeks, soaking them in tears.

Out of the darkness of her despair, she feels a hand begin to softly caress her hair, twirling it a bit in their fingers at the end.

"Hush, little baby, don't say a word."

Lacey kneels down in front of her slowly, and the sound of her knees cracking echo in the room.

She doesn't take her hands away from her face, she doesn't want to look, and Lacey just places her hands over them. "Isn't it just like you to turn me away till tomorrow becomes today..."

"I'm sorry," she whispers. And she really is to hear Lacey's alliterations again. She is so sorry for all of it. She's the sorriest sight in the world tonight.

Lacey tightens her grip and pulls her hands violently away from her face. They stare at each other electrically; fear, desire, and bestial determination pass between their eyes.

"I said shut the fuck up, baby." Lacey grabs her, grasping the back of her hair tightly and kisses her passionately, like a lover who has been lost for far too long.

Lightning fills the sky with a fierce white. Nina feels it and looks up with a quick gasp. And she begins to sing, because what else is there to do?

"People are strange...

When you're a stranger

Faces look ugly

When you're alone

Women seem wicked

When you're unwanted

Streets are uneven

When you're down

When you're strange...

Faces come out of the rain

When you're strange

No one remembers your name

When you're strange

When you're strange

When you're strange..."

Underground

Insanity, can it be vanity? Where is the humanity?

And havin' a twisted fantasy with an arm a leg amputee

Straight jacket with a hundred and eight brackets

And a strap that wraps twice around my back

Then they latch it

-Eminem

Susie says...

You would think the worst part of my job would be having to help people who are more stupid than I am all day long. You would think. The truth is, that torment almost doesn't compare to working for people who are more stupid than I am. It is a game of patience I fear I am slowly starting to lose.

I have always struggled with being passive aggressive. I'm too ambitious.


Lacey says...

Insanity is coming this early. Can you smell it in the air, Miss Sunshine. Nipping at your nose. Making your hair stand on end. Like an electrical charge--lightning about to strike. The anticipation is so much worse than it's arrival. Wouldn't you agree?

Put 'em up, Sue. I'm ready to dance around the ring with. Oh so ready.

Purge

Amanda says...

I'm broke and depressed. Survival mode has kicked in, luckily. And either fate or coincidence (maybe both) has made the situation do-able.

I have a new roommate. I promised myself I was done with that. But sometimes shit happens.

Nina says...

Oh yes. It's become my new Lebowski. It makes my heart happy, especially before bed.

Susie says...

Alright, ladies. It's true, times have gotten a bit tough. But we all know I thrive under pressure. I will fix this. I realize and truly appreciate that you have made sacrifices. Incredibly uncomfortable sacrifices, yet, important sacrifices. Thank you for that.

Just stick with me--trust me--and things will start to feel normal again very soon. I give you my word, you will feel right at home in no time.

Sparky says...

Have I ever thanked you, Jesus? I don't think I ever have... Therfore, thank you soooo much for two of your greatest miracles. 1. Beer. (Seriously, you fuckin' rock for that one!) 2. Thank you for giving me a social niche and the conversational skills to work it. It makes it so much easier to attain and enjoy number 1.

Well now that we have gotten that out of the way.

I have made a decision. A subconscious one at first, it started mostly as a joke. It has now become a cemented rule: I will not fuck anyone new until I finish my book. Period. End of story. It will provide motivation to finish, if nothing else.

(Pray for me that I actually stick to it.)

Lacey says...

Oh my literary puzzle, you are starting to fit together so well.

Lacey ise loved.

Loved. Lovely. Longed for. And looking.

But Lacey is not lost.

She is found. Straight. Forward.

She knows where she is going.

And Lacey is not left.

She is right. Correct. True.

Lacey is not a lie.

Because Lacey is lucky.

Like the color lime green.

Not black. Or blue. Or brown.

Because Lacey is alive!

Striving. Thriving. Hypnotizing.

Tick-tocking your time away.

Till tomorrow becomes today.

Sway with her.

As she slithers up her spine.

She's slippery.

And like trickery...

She'll seduce you.

And sweep you away.

She'll sing to you. Soothe you.

And swear to you she'll stay.

She'll satiate your unsatisfiable starvation.

She'll save your soul one second!

Just to slice it up.

Swallow it down...

And savor it in the next.

But before you're aware.

You're addicted.

Inflicted!

Conflicted...

Craving her carnage.

And cursing your own curiosity.

You'll call for her.

Cling to her.

Cry. Cringe. And collapse.

Then you will crawl to her.

And she'll caress you.

Comfort and console you.

You will quiver with each calculated kiss.

As she consumes you.

Confuses you. Complicates you.

Creating something chaotic.

Where quiet composition once was.

She'll cut you down.

Contorting your character.

Till you will kill for her.

Becoming her criminal.

Committing crimes of a cataclysmic caliber.

She creeps... She creeks...

You can hear her coming.

Like the cock of a 12 gauge shotgun.

Locked. Loaded.

And longing to level you.

Ghryc II

Susie says...

I've never been so grateful to have Francis show up. For once, he was actually useful. He put an end to something that never should have started in the first place. At least for now.

Lacey says...

Well let's just be honest, you turned out to be a total fucking waste of time. Nothing but an awkward, gothic kid trying to make it big. You drove over 800 miles for what exactly?

Do you feel like a fool? Were you shocked to find an actual monster lurking underneath the dark intrigue? Or did your fascination slowly ferment into fear... Fear that you couldn't help drink like some potion in hopes of making your attempted act real?

I knew the moment you walked in. You wouldn't look me in the eye. Your shock at your own bravery was so obvious. I should have just sent you home then. But your game was far too tempting to pass up. You were so vulnerable. The tables turned so tenderly and tragically once you wondered so far away from home. And you really had no idea.

I tested your boundaries. And you tried to remain. You twisted that tongue and told your tall tales. You tried to sell me your sadistic stories, and feed me false fury. But the truth is you were retreating. And I let you think I was retarded.

I practically begged you to break me. But beneath your breath, you backed away. Baby.

The panic in your eyes when you saw real pain was priceless.

Hear this now... "Hate" fuck me. I dare you! Destroy me. Please, baby, please! Tie me down and take my trust. Gag me till I give in. Show me that unmerciful rage you've warned me of. Pull my hair back and whisper in my ear all the horrible things I want to hear me. Humiliate me. Hunt me. Hurt me.

...hahahahahahaha!

The Child is Gone

The Narrator says...

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. If you keep your mind and body preoccupied with meaningful things, the meaningless tribulations of our lives that we cannot control become just that. And vice versa.

Susie says...

I find myself in the zone lately. I'm on an upswing, and I'm still climbing. I'm focused.

I am good at my job when I want to be. I have phenomenal people skills and a ridiculous abundance of patience. I can be quite impressive, in my own way, when I want to be. It really comes down to doing good work and sucking up to the right people. Both of which come naturally to me when I'm motivated.

I am oh so motivated lately. It's not like I know where I'm going. I only know that anywhere is better than here. That is plenty motivation for me.

I think I could find meaning in my job someday. Perhaps if I became one of the people who overlooked ADA matters for the company. Help the handicapped take vacations and such. I think I would like that. And who is to say it's a far-fetched idea?

By staying busy with my job, I've stayed busy with my other projects as well. The extra room in the apartment is now painted a vibrant green (the color is called "center stage") and I am slowly collecting furniture and such for it. I bought a vintage, decorative end table that is almost exactly the same color of green at a second-hand shop. And to go on top of it... a beautiful, heavy, black typewriter. My prediction is it dates back to the 30's or 40's. I saw it and I knew it was mine.

The kitchen is finally finished too. I didn't think I would like having a tin back splash at first, but I do. It seems to fit.

The next project is the broken mirror.

Persy says...

You are such a slut. Go on... lick every rung of the corporate ladder with lust. Sell that soul of sunshine for sweet, sinful success. See if I sweat it.

We both know you cant board up the bitterness forever. There isn't a hole hollow enough to hide your horrors. They will always haunt you.

I like listening to the tick-tock of your clock anyways. The creep of your count-down comforts me. Soon enough you will be a shit show worth seeing. I promise.

SNOW!!!

Lacey says...

Susie, you're a cruel creature. If I can get downright obscene for a second, YOU ARE A COCK-GURGLING THUNDERCUNT! Go on, spread those legs widely and invite that horrendously fat dick that belongs to the enemy to pillage your so-called innocence. You are fucking The Man, admit it! You disgusting little whore. Sucker of Satan's cock!!!

How is he in bed, by the way? Is he giving it to you hard and rough, like the one in charge? Or does he leave you feeling unsatisfied, constantly awaiting the good time he promises in overly-eager kisses? Do you feel like the disappointed girl who lost herself in a night of passion, left to sleep alone, still naked, buried deep in the folds of her tainted sheets?

How does it feel to sell your soul? Is it all you ever wanted it to be?

Susie says...

Grow up. I'm too busy for this nonsense right now.

Vacation?

Nina says...

A clever centipede once said...

"Bright lights, big city

That's where we gotta go

Where the food is great and the bugs are so pretty

I'd like to get my arms around a hundred or so!

I'd hug 'em, squeeze 'em, hold 'em tight

Sleep all day, dance all night

I want the bright lights and the big city

That's the life for me, yeah"

Susie says...

The time has come yet again to band together... unfortunately. Now throughout this whole ordeal I want you to remember that we are ALL miserable, therefore we are ALL in it together.

I know how excruciating it is to surrender control to be me. But let's be honest, I am the only one capable of steering us through this. This is a situation that calls for stability, humility, and grace. Composure if of the utmost importance. With a little bit of luck, we will fade into the background while the drama unfolds before us...

I'm talking about the annual family trip to Mexico. One full week with the whole family. Thousands of miles from home, with nowhere else to go. ... I hope the ocean is devastatingly beautiful.

I won't kid you, it most likely won't be easy. In fact, at times, it may be downright unbearable. But we can do it. We must, we must, we must!

And as a reward for good behavior, I have one hell of treat for you. Two weeks after we get home, we are going to Vegas. For New Years. Bring in the new year with a bang!

Survive in Mexico, celebrate in Vegas. It will be worth it. I promise.

A Tantrum

Lacey says...

There is a pounding in my chest tonight. Something is trying to escape. It's going to explode from me with a spray of blood and lung tissue. I know it's going to happen any second now.

Pound... pound... pound...

Did I just see it jump under my skin? I think I did. It's almost there, almost free. Any moment now... A BLUR OF BEAUTIFUL BRUTALITY WILL BLAST THROUGH MY BROKEN BREAST, BREAKING BEYOND BITTER BONDAGE! BEWARE!

Knock... knock... knock...

What goes there? No one is home. I'm vacationing in Fiji for the winter. Won't you come back in the Spring when I have returned with glorious stories of my travels?

Pound... pound... POUND!

No hablo Inglés. Váyase, por favor.

KNOCK... KNOCK... KNOCK!!!

Quick! Barricade the door! We've got ourselves a fighter. Dig into the trenches, boys. We're in this thing for the long haul. God save us!!!

Susie says...

This is ridiculous. So you almost killed yourself three years ago tonight.

Mr. Lemon Pie saved you. You're not dead. It was three years ago. Get over it.

Lacey says...

Way to take the wind out of my sails, bitch.

Communication

Amanda says...

I talk to myself a lot more these days. Probably because I am spending more time alone. It's not like I'm having an actual conversation (I don't think, anyways), more I am just thinking outloud. It's comforting to say my thoughts. It makes me feel like I commit myself to them. Makes it harder for me to change my mind.

The Narrator says...

And now, a group session.

Lacey and Sparky plop down on the leather couch, one on each side. Susie takes a seat in the chair across from them.

"Okay, what do you want today, Miss Sunshine?" asks Lacey with an already impatient tone.

"Wait a minute, where is Nina?" asks Sparky.

Lacey looks around the room, "Yeah? Where the hell is that hippie? I thought this was suppose to be a group thing-a-muh-jig."

Shrugging her shoulders and waving a hand in the air, Susie says, "Oh don't worry about her. Apparently some guy told her she has a beautiful aura when she smiles, or something like that, and so she has been prancing around for two days now, singing this or that."

Smiling, Sparky says, "So basically she is unreachable at the moment?"

"Completely distracted, yes. Honestly, she is of no concern to me right now."

"Ha. What a sucker," says Lacey with the hint of a smirk. They are all silent for a moment, making her incredibly uneasy. "Okay, seriously, Sue, what are we doing here?"

Susie takes a moment to center herself. She sincerely hates having to be in the same room as this psycho, but she knows she has to do her best to keep it together. Lacey thrives on her ability to unravel her. "As you both know, I am extremely busy with work these days. You two did a fabulous job of tainting my near-perfect record, and it is now up to me, as always, to repair it. It is especially important the next two weeks, during my new training, that I be 100% on my game, else they may no longer feel they need my services. And in these times, unemployment would not be pretty. Especially for a physically challenged woman and an unstable lunatic."

"Please... elaborate on instability. I'm sure you have some insight to offer, Sue."

Sparky speaks up before the pending argument can ensue, "Get to the point, Susie. I think we all have better things to do."

Flashing her world-class smile, which immediately gives away her rage, Susie continues, locking eyes with Lacey. "We need to set up some rules. If I am going to do what I do best, you two need to behave."

Lacey only laughs. Susie continues, "Keep laughing. Let's see if it pays the bills."

"Alright, alright, what the fuck are these rules?" interrupts Sparky, again being the mediator.

"Well, for starters, clean up the language, Sparky. It certainly doesn't appear professional if you are dropping F-bombs and referring to people as Thundercunts under your breath. No matter how incompetent they may be."

Lacey laughs even louder and gives Sparky a high-five,"Classy."

"And as for you... stop writing all over everything! What am I suppose to say to may supervisor when she looks down at my training booklet and sees your serial killer handwriting all over it, spouting off nonsense about other planets and telephone calls?"

"Well, what the hell do you expect?!!! You've got me holed up in a room full of yuppies for hours. I get bored!"

With her smile widening, Susie says through nearly-gritted teeth, "Then bring your own notebook with you. So long as it doesn't belong to me, by all means, scribble your gibberish. Just don't put me in a position to defend your idiocy."

"Oh oh idiocy! Again, I'm all ears, Sue!"

"Oh for Christ's sake. Will you two shut the hell up. Sometimes, I swear you two should just fuck and get it over with already!" snaps Sparky, mediating for the last time. "I admit, I see your point, Susie. I will do my best to make my act PG for the time being. And Lacey, babe, can-it with the hostility for bit. For me. It's exhausting. I will buy you a six-pack to help chill you out. Deal?"

Considering the offer carefully, Lacey reluctantly says, "...deal. But I want Guinness, not PBR, you hear me?!."

"I can do that."

Breathing a sudden sigh of relief, Susie says, "Wonderful. So glad we got that taken care of. You know, you two certainly don't make things easy for me. In fact, you--"

Susie stops mid-complaint as all three of them hear Nina's voice from outside the apartment. The front door opens, and Nina dances her way in, her big Skull-Crusher headphones over her ears. She closes the door behind her, looks at the three of them, puts her fist in the air, and sings at the top of lungs "She's a killer queeeeeeen! Gunpowder, gelatin! Dynamite with a laser beam!!! Guarenteed to blow your mind... Anytiiiiiiime!!!"

And with that, she leaves the three of them sitting in silence with nothing left to say. As she walks down the hall, they hear her song trail off, "Recommended at the price... Insatiable an appetite..."

As always, Queen saves the day.

Communication

The Narrator says...

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a dialog between nemeses.

With a low glare and a slight smirk, Lacey looks up to see a familiar face moving her way. She doesn't bother to get up from her comfy spot on the couch, just says without hesitation, "Well then, what the fuck can I do for you this evening, Miss Sunshine?"

"Charming," Susie says with her practiced smile. She walks calmly over to the opposite end of the couch and sits down gently. "Let us just skip the formalities, shall we," she says as she sits up straight and looks at the floor. "I have a problem. I surprisingly and regretfully need your advice, please."

Lacey's smirk widens. As she looks at the broken mirror across the room from her she sees several faces smiling back at her. She stands up quickly and moves to the chair across from the couch. "Since you asked me so sweetly, please proceed. Just watching the hatred in your eyes when you talk to me delights me. It doesn't even matter what you say."

Susie moves her gaze to Lacey's, and yet again flashes her perfected grin. "As I was saying, I have a problem. You may have recently noticed that this apartment is now officially occupied by only one person. There are no roommates to compromise with, as well as no roommates to possibly trash something. The extra room is empty, I need to fill it. Quickly."

With an expression that gives no hints, Lacey waits for the rest of the story. When nothing is said, she says, "What? Do you want my help picking out the drapes? Why the fuck does this concern me? This isn't my area, Sue."

"Su-SIE!" snapped back the nevermore particular Miss Susie Sunshine, with a nevermore larger smile, "Now, I realize that home decor is not your area, thank goodness. Rest assured I have plans in the works to turn that into the best room in the apartment. However, my current problem is something much more... irrational... I think that's the word for it. That is absolutely your area."

"If it's so irrational, what the problem?" Lacey says.

"I'm having trouble going into the room. It scares me."

Laughing slowly, Lacey says,"What the fuck is wrong with you? It's just a room."

"Of course I know that! I didn't mean I was irrational, I meant the problem is irrational," says Susie desperately trying to keep her cool. God, what she would give to be having this conversation over the phone right now. She imagines typing the word cunt over and over again on the word processor of her work computer and starts to feel a little calmer.

"I stick by my answer, Sue, "says Lacey winking. "It is only a room. What's scary about that?"

"I have already thought of three things. One, lots of empty, ominous space. Two, the sounds. Because of the empty space, it echoes. And three, I have never gone in that room much. I realize that even though I have lived here for four years now, that room has always belonged to a roommate. So I just, never went in there. It feels like I don't belong in there."

Lacey rolls her eyes and says, "This is ridiculous." She stands up and grabs Susie's arm pulling to her to her feet.

Protesting, but knowing she can't get away from her grip, Susie firmly says,"Oh please, this is completely unnecessary."

Ignoring her plea, Lacey drags her through the living room and down the hallway, saying, "It's just a fuckin' room." She turns the door nob of the room and shoves it open. The sound of it slamming against the closet behind it surrounds them as they enter. Lacey pulls Susie to the middle of the room and turns to face her. "So here we are. What now?" she says throwing her hands in the air.

Susie looks down, "I think it's just so empty."

Again rolling her eyes, Lacey says, "No it's not. You and I are in it."

With that, Lacey marches out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Yet again, the sound is amplified. Susie hears her say from outside the door,"Now you're in it. Stop wasting my time."

She hears her walk down the hallway and out the front door. Susie stands alone in the room and realizes the little cunt is absolutely right. "What now, indeed."

Are We There Yet?

"All the odds are in my favor
Something's bound to give in"
-Cabaret

The Narrator says...

When just one decides to knock, they all knock. When just one breaks loose, do they all flee?


Amanda says...

A lot going on in my head lately! It's made it difficult to write because I am having trouble organizing all my ideas, they are all jumbled in my mind, speaking to me all at once. It's the Fall season, it always stimulates my creativity. But man, it's crazy this year! I feel like at any moment my thoughts will start spilling from my ears.


Nina says...

It's happening again. For the first time in years... it is happening again. Music is no longer just background noise, it's something to absorb. I find myself stopping in the middle of doing something important to get lost in whatever is playing in my headphones. I suddenly forget what I am doing and follow a heavy beat. I... just... can't... help it! Music has become a complete experience again. I see, hear, smell, taste and feet it. It rips me from this world and shoves me into a war zone in my mind, and the battle is epic! Bombs of the most symphonic noise burst before me and send gravel composed of vibrant colors flying through the aromatic air around me! I am lost before I even have time to remember where I came from.

It's all about the music again. And it's all thanks to one ridiculous, girly, gay television show: Glee. That's right, I said it, GLEE!!! I'm saying it loudly, proudly and completely without shame, I love Glee! It's my new drug.

Their rendition of Maybe This Time, from Cabaret brought me to actual tears. (True story.) It's amazing what inspires me these days.

P.S. Natalie just gets me this morning:

"Ophelia was a tempest cyclone
A god damned hurricane
Your common sense
Your best defense
Lay wasted and in vain

Ophelia'd know your every woe
And pain you'd ever had
She'd sympathize
And dry your eyes
And help you to forget...

Ophelia's mind went wandering
You'd wonder where she'd gone
Through secret doors
Down corridors
She'd wander them alone
All alone..."

Sparky says...

So something has changed. Things are definitely different these days. Not than I'm complaining, I adore change! It's all about reinvention. But I didn't mean to change this time. Hell, I don't even know what I changed.

How do I know something has changed? Well, allow me to get blatantly egotistical for a moment.

The men are flocking to me. And they are all men from my past who decided to overlook me. It's almost like a buzzer went off in their heads, letting them know it was time for a girl like me in their lives. I've heard things like "You know, I have no idea why I never took it to the next step with you," and "I always liked you, I just don't know why I never did anything about it," oh and this one "I just need a guy with tits and a vagina, just like you!"

I will be honest with you, boys, if you had come to me back in the day, I would have melted for you. You would have made me gitty, totally at the command of your will. I would have given you everything. But you didn't say it back then, when it mattered. And I moved on without even realizing it.

I don't want to be with any of them. It's not because I think I'm better than them or because they've treated me badly. They are all perfect. I just don't want to be with anyone. I'm enjoying being selfish too much.

...what the fuck?! Seriously! How is this fair? Is this Jesus' ultimate punishment, an incongruity of hearts? I don't know.

And when did I grow an ego? Oh oh! Maybe that's what changed. Yeah. Ha.

Or maybe, they just want to be in my book. Sneaky bastards.


Susie says...

Busy, busy, busy. Work, play, write, travel... I hardly have time for it all.

I am at my best under these conditions. I work well under pressure. I like forcing myself to be productive. And having the chance to excel. I've decided I need competition in my life. What's the point if I don't have someone to one up? Even if that someone is only myself.

The only discouraging thing is my severe lack of money to show for all my business. True I am broker than a joke at the moment. But I will just consider that another challenge.


Lacey says....

Hahahaha, yes! I'm having so much fun right now. Out here in the open, for all the people to gawk at, to fear. I want them all to see me, to love me for reasons they are unsure of. And right when I have them where I want them, I will switch it up and change the game. Confuse them. Weed out the weak ones. Destroy them.

This season is much better than I could have ever imagined. I'm living it up while I can.

You know what they say... the higher they rise, the harder they fall. And we are pretty fuckin high right now. Just remember what happened last November, and the November before that, and even the November before that! The leaves fall, and the snow sets in. And all those grand emotions we fire up suddenly become stifled by the cold. It creates a mess. A mess we have narrowly made it through in the past.

The joy will die with the first snow. As soon as I'm caged, I will lose it, like always. I know it. You know it. We all know it.

So skip to the sway of the ticking clock sucking away the seconds. Play well now. Pay the price later.

Tying A Knot

"What you gave to me
My perfect ring of scars
You know I can see what you really are
You didnt hurt me nothing can hurt me
You didnt hurt me nothing can stop me now"
-Nine Inch Nails

Susie says...

Okay, enough of this self-loathing nonsense. It's making me feel disgusting. And it is getting us nowhere.

I have been shoved to the side for too long. It's high time I take control of the situation. I started by kicking that no good roommate right on out of my life. And haven't things been so much better since then?

Next on the list, take control of my job again. With no noisy roommate, there is no reason to be slacking. I need to find a way to love it. I just need to take advantage of my benefits. I need to go on vacations. I need work in my underwear. Why? Because I can.

And for goodness sake I need to stop procrastinating. Tomorrow won't wait forever. I need to stop making plans. I need to do.

I have accomplished and am capable of extraordinary things. I need to remember that.


Sparky says...

I need to remember to embrace the bitch within me. She is fucking beautiful.

Go

Susie says...

Five years ago, at the age of 18, I moved away from home to start my life. It was something I had eagerly been anticipating since the age of thirteen when I realized my family, as much as I loved them, would never understand me. I dreamed of the day when I, a square peg constantly being forced into a round hole, could set out on a glorious adventure to find my own place in the grand scheme of things. Eighteen was a beautiful time, full of so much potential. Anything was possible. I had almost limitless options. The entire world seemed like an open road, inviting and intriguing. I had focus and was so very driven. I was going to make something spectactular out of my life. I stepped onto the open road with a confident stride, a smile on my face, and visions of grandure in my head. It was all happening.

It seemed, however, that after that first step was taken, various road blocks were immediately set up before me, as if that single step had instigated an offensive action to keep me from discovering what lie ahead. I was forced to divert from my glorious road, down a rocky path with much less appealing terrain.

You see, depsite my dreams, some things just had to be done. Responsibilities had to be fufilled, unpredictable events had to be dealt with, and certain people who always and have and always will mean the world to me needed to be taken care of. So as I started down that first unpaved path, I looked back at my road and simply thought my dreams could wait. I knew my handsome road would always be there.

Eventually, the one path forked into two, which divided into three, which led to several more. Before I knew it, I was lost down a maze of backways, so far away from my one true road. One day I looked behind me and could no longer see where I had started. My road was out of sight. And soon, it was out of mind.

Honestly, I had the strength at the time to charge through the road blocks. It would have taken work, but I could have gotten through them. But other things seemed so much more important. And only in hindsight can we really see the truth. I have grown tired of the endlessly winding paths that lead to only more twisted paths, that in the end lead to nothing important. I am officially drawing a line in the dirt. I can't seem to find the finish line, so I am simply going to make my own. From that finish line I intend to build. I refuse to any longer be orchestrated in unwanted directions.

But what did my road look like? Sadly, I just can't remember. What do I want? Strangely, I just don't know.

I am heading into the future blind, but undeterrably resolved. Even if I don't know what kind of road I will build, or where it will lead, I am going to build it regardless. Because I am certain there is somewhere better than here. And I am certain I was meant for something greater than this.

A Very Long Day

mind fuck:
Something that seriously fucks with your brain, such as watching Fight Club every night for a week. Trust me on this.

- www.urbandictionary.com

Amanda says...

I have never believed in giving up, no matter what. But sometimes, it is best to simply accept people for who they are. Including ourselves.


Susie says...

This day won't seem to end. I find myself off my game today. Perhaps it is because I have been playing all day... the same, horrible game.

Bad weather on the East coast meant cancelled/delayed flights galore. Or the deepest bowls of Hell at work, that's accurate as well. I spent eight hours straight on the phones, more than half of which was spent talking to people who weren't really paying attention to what I had to say the first time around. Or the second. So most of the day was spent repeating myself over and over and over again. And almost everyone I spoke to was pissy from the get-go. Thank God for caffiene. It allows you to keep going and going and going. Just to add an extra kick in the ass when I was already feeling 10 feet under, I got caught in a downpour that included hail on the way to my car after I was finally done working, which completely soaked me. And now, I have to go back for a shift from 4:00 a.m. to 7:00 a.m. A stray shift I happened to pick up. We have been so slow the past few months and I was convinced I could get the little three hour shift off. First busy day HAD to be today. Joy.

In between my shifts, I didn't have time to do much aside from eat and nap for a bit. So in an act of pure desperation, after a truly gruesome day, I attempted to vent off a little steam. I tried to actually have a conversation with that degenerate of a roommate of mine. I simply had no one else. Since he was under the influence of both marijuanna and alcohol, the conversation was a punch-line short of the biggest joke in the entire world. Not only did he proceed to constantly interrupt me, going off on totally irrelevant tangants, he also did the exact same thing that all my customers did all day long: ignored me and forced me to repeat myself, drunkenly swearing to me, "No, really, I am totally listening this time!"

I am hanging on by a very fine thread, made of fail-safe manners and adrenaline. Coffee don't fail me now.


Nina...

I love how theraputic music is. I just put on those headphones and disappear. It took a little while to find just the perfect thing today, shuffling through Norah Jones, Regina Spektor and Jill Sobule... I needed something soothing but bitterly true. And then...there she was, as she always is. Nina Simone. Telling me, "Dont forget get to sing with lust!" And so I did, belting out the words to I Put A Spell On You, Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood, and eventually Feeling Good . And I felt oh so good. I then drifted off to the good memories of Steel Train, and proceeded to Kill Monsters in the Rain while I was sleeping.

When I woke up, I found good company in my little brother. Just like the good, old days, we lit up a joint and proceeded to reminsce and talk about nonsense. A good conversation about the little things in life that are still important to talk about. The things that are good for the soul.

A perfect wind-down and reboot. Just what I needed.


Lacey says...

I hate long, busy days where I constantly have to be social. It clogs up my mind with thick bullshit. My mind isn't even quiet when I sleep on a day like this. All I do is have nightmares, getting no real rest at all.


Sparky says...

Family is the best. They humor you while you pour your heart out to them, pull you out of your funk by talking about something completely different, then pump you up for your next round of life with blatently honest and ridiculous motovational speeches. "Come on now...it's Eye of the Tiger time! You have got to be like Rocky, ready to take down that fucking Russian guy! Or ya know...whatever he was."

Okay... It's been a long, taxing, and sometimes treacherous battle. You have fought and fallen courageously, proving yourself the victor more times than not. I know it's been a tough war and you are exhausted, but it is time for the final, epic stance. And you will be rewarded for your well-earned success with hours upon hours of glorilously un-interrupted rest. And the satisfaction of knowing you are a champ.

It's time to focus. Turn on Painkiller by Judas Priest, twist that volume dial till it's as loud as it will go, and scream along to the words you know so well. Put on your Grrrrrrrrr face.

Let's do this fucking thing!

"The Big Day"

Susie says...

I am absolutely fed up with my ridiculous living situation. Today was suppose to be my glorious day of liberation. Instead it has been nothing but a bitter reminder of how absurd things have gotten. If it was up to me, this roommate would have been out months ago. But I am not as nice as she is.

I am sick of beer cans constantly overflowing from the trash can. I am sick of entertaining groups of truly retarded boys who really can't construct an intelligent debate, but continue to try anyways. I am sick of falling asleep and waking up to horrendous rap music. I am sick of feeling my floor vibrate every weekend when that stupid, fat bitch (and you best believe I mean that) decides she needs to get laid by a skinny white boy. And I am sick of my body wash disappearing at an unbelievably fast rate. Buy yourself a goddamn bottle of Jergens, asshole.

As always I will regulate the situation. Because, honestly, who else will? But this is the last month I will. And you best believe I intend to make it a month of Hell, since she deserved retribution. Not only will he not be allowed to stay past this month, by the end of it, he won't want to.

What We Need

Susie says...

I need my life to be organized and headed in a stable direction. I need a course of action. I need a situation where I am forced to prove myself, in which only my intellect and will allow me to succeed. I need a healthy challenge. I need a new crowd, one that isn't made up mostly of idiots. I need a new location, this place has become a bore. I need an education. I need a new job. I desperately need a change.


Nina says...

I need more art, in all forms. I need to start drawing again. I need to take more pictures. I need music, old and new. I need to go to more concerts, preferably alone. I need to throw myself into dangerous situations. I need to pray. I need to see the world. I need to get completely lost in a moment. I need to forget about the past and ignore the future. I need to sing, regardless if I sound good or not.


Lacey says...

I need to settle old scores, in the world and in myself. I need to act out. I need to take up a violent hobby, like boxing. I need to swear more, it's good for my soul. I need to find better ways to be destructive. I need to find a companion, someone who doesn't want to save or destroy me, but rather someone who is along for the ride. I need to start over again.


Amanda says...

I need a better understanding of myself and what I really want. I need to find God again. I need to get a move on and stop waiting for "whatever" to happen. I need to exercise more. I need to trust somebody. I need to view myself in a better light.

I Fear Nothing

You see, their morals, their code, it's a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you. When the chips are down, these... these civilized people, they'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve.

Susie says...

You know there are a great many things to be learned in this life. The greatest lesson of all being that everyone in this world, including your enemies, will succumb to death. I have yet to meet a single immortal in this world, and I seriously doubt I ever will in this lifetime. I love death. It is one of the most underestimated things, yet the truth is it levels the playing field for all. It makes the game of life completely pointless, since everyone is going to win the same thing in the end anyway. Or I suppose it can also mean everyone will lose in the end. But I am an optimist and prefer to see my glass half full.

There are very few people who realize and accept this simple, inevitable, unchangeable truth. I know I am going to die someday. I also know that I probably won't see it coming, so making any sort of prediction about when, where and how is a waste of time. I also know how truly futile material gain is. Sure having a lot of money may be usefull today. But is my money going to protect me from that bus that will flatten me tomorrow? I think not. The same can be said about power, or rather the illusion of power. Can I really strike fear into the heart of the cancer that will eat away my body someday? I highly doubt it.

Those of us that actually do pull our heads far enough out of our asses to make this realization are privy to quite the spectacle when we do. Most of the humans that populate this earth are simple, God-fearing creatures, who are easily manipulated by the ideas of wealth and material accomplishment. They fear death, yet so many do not actually believe in it. It's so strange. It gives someone like me an upper hand. You see, I know the game, and I play it well. Yet I know the game is pointless. I know I will win the exact same thing as my oponents when it is all said and done.

You may ask why play the game at all? In return I ask, why the hell not?

The game is more fun than most could ever imagine. Especially once you realize the true nature of it. The actually point of the game is not to win. The point is to fuck with as many players along the way as possible. And search for that worthy adversary who has truly awakened to his or her own mortality. That is where you will find the true meaning in life.

Ghryc.

Lacey says...

I met my soul mate in Henderson, Nevada. He is a Gemini-Cancer. He works for a side show and has a split tongue. He falls for girls with daddy issues and histories of sexual abuse. Yet, he admitted to never being with a girl quite like me before.

He carved his name into my chest. Literally. Honestly, how could I not fall in love with a boy who claimed me the first night we met?

She says I can't have him. She says he is like picking up old habits again, only in a different form. I say she is lucky we live in different states. Otherwise, I would be his.

She says he doesn't deserve to be destroyed. I say he clearly invited me to do just that.

I will see him again.


Susie says...

No. You won't.

Status: Married

Susie says...

I really need to stop looking at myspace while I'm working. Honestly, my near obessession with it has just become ridiculous. I somehow justify looking at in that it can be somewhat effective in drowning out whatever horrible things the low-life I happen to be speaking with on the phone is saying. If I am paying attention to myspace, I am no longer really paying attention to the phone call. But sometimes I see things on myspace I know I shouldn't. And I find out things I really didn't want to know.

The horrible thing about this myspace thing is that you can stalk the people you hate. Back in the day when you decided you no longer wanted to associate with some degenerate, you would simply eliminate them from your life. You would go on living your life, and better yet, said degenerate would go on living their's with you completely oblivious. You could really disconnect. Then, there was myspace. Myspace allows secretly vindictive people, like myself I suppose, to keep track of how retched the lives of their "enemies" have become. Usually, it's absolutely fabulous! But sometimes things don't go the way we planned. And sometimes, our enemies lives' get better instead of worse. So while we may go looking for vindication in the world wide web, we may only find the bitter truth that life is unfair.

I found out he is married now. Happily. And his new wife just thinks the world of him! It makes me wonder how much she really knows about him.

Oh dear. My myspace obsession has created an utter shit storm in her mind. She will not be pleased. Perhaps it is time to disable my account. Se can't very well move on from her past if I am always checking up on it.


Lacey says...

It's game time. I will rip that shit-eating grin right off his fat fucking face. What makes him think he gets to live happily ever after?