Please... Not Yet! Ha!

Nina says...

Yes, Freddy! Do it to me!!!!

"Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time
I feel alive and the world it's turning inside out Yeah!
I'm floating around in ecstasy
So don't stop me now don't stop me
'Cause I'm having a good time having a good time

I'm a shooting star leaping through the skies
Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity
I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva
I'm gonna go go go
There's no stopping me

I'm burning through the skies Yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
I'm trav'ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic man of you

Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time just give me a call
Don't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time)
Don't stop me now (Yes I'm having a good time)
I don't want to stop at all

I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars
On a collision course
I am a satellite I'm out of control
I am a sex machine ready to reload
Like an atom bomb about to
Oh oh oh oh oh explode

I'm burning through the skies Yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
I'm trav'ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic woman out of you

Don't stop me don't stop me don't stop me
Hey hey hey!
Don't stop me don't stop me
Ooh ooh ooh (I like it)
Don't stop me have a good time good time
Don't stop me don't stop me
Ooh ooh Alright"

Sparky says...

I feel better. And I shouldn't.

I needed to do something to remind me of how bad ass I can really be. Just a little pick-me-up. Nothing too intense, just something tiny to get me through my emo night.

I stole something. I shit you not, I did. You know how I have had this little itch lately to see if I could get away with murder? Well, I scratched it a bit.

Now before you start thinking something grand (Hollywood, big-budget where I roll into the convenient store, my scooter equipped with lethal lasers, and demand preposterous items), let me ruin the awe of your curiosity... I only shoplifted one, inconsequential item. A small package of feminine napkins. I figured if I happened to get caught carting that out the big sliding doors, at least I could pull a cripple card, start to cry, and plead with the clerks that I was just too embarrassed to buy them! Honestly, what would they do to a frantic, physically challenged, young woman in tears who was only stealing some pads? Never mind that I have bought condoms there on several occasions before.

I kept it simple. I just slipped the package into my basket, along with a few other items I decided I "needed." Then, I rolled nonchalantly (any ideas on a cripple-friendly term for "strolled?") down a deserted costume aisle and slipped it into my purse. I paid for my other items, and cruised by the security detectors on my way out the doors. Simple. Discreet. Victorious.

I doubt the clerks took much note of me. Aside, from maybe the stray thought of "Oh, here's that cute disabled girl who always comes in at weird hours to grocery shop." Not a suspicion in the world. Oh yes, Jesus is good to the cripples sometimes.

As a strange afterthought, I noticed another shoplifter while I myself was shoplifting. (I always seem to notice the sketchy people!) He was dumber than I was. I kept running into him while I was looking for an empty aisle. He was a scruffy-looking fellow, wearing a big coat, and pushing around a nearly empty cart. Every time we saw each other, he became more uneasy. I can only imagine what he thought. I wonder if it was even beyond him to think that I could be a shoplifter. I'd like to think maybe he thought I was more likely a cop of sorts. A shoplifting mole. Ha! Because that would happen!

And one final note, don't get your panties in a twist, Miss Sunshine. I doubt I will do it again. The act served its purpose, I am satisfied.

Please, Not Yet

Nina says...

Only Wumpscut is loud enough for me today.


Sparky says...

Weight. It's always been a huge issue for me. It's always been a huge issue for my whole family.

Growing up I would say alcoholism and drug addiction was the first problem, but it was followed very closely and with just as much gusto by the weight topic. Throughout my life my father has bounced back and forth between 175 lbs to upwards of 300 lbs. I even suspect that he first started using cocaine, which would eventually lead to one of his downfalls, as a means to lose weight. His depression would set in, and he would eat to cope, since he couldn't use drugs anymore. Then as he would gain more weight, he would get more depressed, he would eat more, and so on. Until finally he would reach a breaking point where he would decided enough is enough, and turn to some radical diet or supposed miracle supplement (years ago he was one of the people who fell into the whole Fen-Phen debacle, losing a dramatic 200 lbs). All of this of course was to no avail, since the radical weight loss is simply what starts the whole cycle over again.

And then there is my mother. A woman who has never felt beautiful enough. She had/has has an eating disorder my life. She wouldn't eat anything at all, or if she did, she would either over-exercise or "feel sick" shortly after a meal. Growing up, my father had to practically be a drill sergeant about her eating habits, making damn certain she was eating, what she was eating, how much she was eating, when she was eating, and so forth. If he didn't do it, she wouldn't. I was often my father's spy. He would come home from work and ask for the daily report on my mother. I thought this was normal for a long time, just assuming that's the way things worked. When I was 10 I caught my mother throwing up behind a locked door. I panicked, thinking only that mommy is sick and I can't get to her! When she came out of the bathroom she sat me down, looked me in the eye, and said, "I was only sick. Okay? I was just sick and I am better now. Okay?" She stopped throwing up after that night. Her hands no longer smelled like vomit all the time, and she would actually stick around for conversation when dinner was through. However, even today, eating is not easy for her. I find myself having dinner with her more often than I should, just to make sure she is eating.

Then there are my own weight issues. I use to be a fat girl. At my heaviest I was close to 170 lbs. This is not in my head, I have pictures to prove it. Being fat and in a wheelchair, what a horrible combination. I lost the weight and I swore to myself I would never go back. I dare say there is no more of a euphoric feeling than having all the people look at you in wonder and tell you how good you look. And to know you look better than you did, and to know you put in the effort to improve yourself. My greatest fear is to have the tables turn. To be the subject of ridicule for letting myself go, again. To have those same people who offered me praise say what a shame it all is.

I'm having a fat day. I feel fat. I look fat. I am fat.

Fuck all the mirrors in my apartment.

Persy says...

You fat fucking cow
What the hell is wrong with you?
You're absolutelely disgusting
And you know it
But you won't fix it
How dare you make me endure this!
Again

Put the pieces back together
Like a pretty little puzzle
Make it perfect
Pronto!

Are We There Yet?

"All the odds are in my favor
Something's bound to give in"
-Cabaret

The Narrator says...

When just one decides to knock, they all knock. When just one breaks loose, do they all flee?


Amanda says...

A lot going on in my head lately! It's made it difficult to write because I am having trouble organizing all my ideas, they are all jumbled in my mind, speaking to me all at once. It's the Fall season, it always stimulates my creativity. But man, it's crazy this year! I feel like at any moment my thoughts will start spilling from my ears.


Nina says...

It's happening again. For the first time in years... it is happening again. Music is no longer just background noise, it's something to absorb. I find myself stopping in the middle of doing something important to get lost in whatever is playing in my headphones. I suddenly forget what I am doing and follow a heavy beat. I... just... can't... help it! Music has become a complete experience again. I see, hear, smell, taste and feet it. It rips me from this world and shoves me into a war zone in my mind, and the battle is epic! Bombs of the most symphonic noise burst before me and send gravel composed of vibrant colors flying through the aromatic air around me! I am lost before I even have time to remember where I came from.

It's all about the music again. And it's all thanks to one ridiculous, girly, gay television show: Glee. That's right, I said it, GLEE!!! I'm saying it loudly, proudly and completely without shame, I love Glee! It's my new drug.

Their rendition of Maybe This Time, from Cabaret brought me to actual tears. (True story.) It's amazing what inspires me these days.

P.S. Natalie just gets me this morning:

"Ophelia was a tempest cyclone
A god damned hurricane
Your common sense
Your best defense
Lay wasted and in vain

Ophelia'd know your every woe
And pain you'd ever had
She'd sympathize
And dry your eyes
And help you to forget...

Ophelia's mind went wandering
You'd wonder where she'd gone
Through secret doors
Down corridors
She'd wander them alone
All alone..."

Sparky says...

So something has changed. Things are definitely different these days. Not than I'm complaining, I adore change! It's all about reinvention. But I didn't mean to change this time. Hell, I don't even know what I changed.

How do I know something has changed? Well, allow me to get blatantly egotistical for a moment.

The men are flocking to me. And they are all men from my past who decided to overlook me. It's almost like a buzzer went off in their heads, letting them know it was time for a girl like me in their lives. I've heard things like "You know, I have no idea why I never took it to the next step with you," and "I always liked you, I just don't know why I never did anything about it," oh and this one "I just need a guy with tits and a vagina, just like you!"

I will be honest with you, boys, if you had come to me back in the day, I would have melted for you. You would have made me gitty, totally at the command of your will. I would have given you everything. But you didn't say it back then, when it mattered. And I moved on without even realizing it.

I don't want to be with any of them. It's not because I think I'm better than them or because they've treated me badly. They are all perfect. I just don't want to be with anyone. I'm enjoying being selfish too much.

...what the fuck?! Seriously! How is this fair? Is this Jesus' ultimate punishment, an incongruity of hearts? I don't know.

And when did I grow an ego? Oh oh! Maybe that's what changed. Yeah. Ha.

Or maybe, they just want to be in my book. Sneaky bastards.


Susie says...

Busy, busy, busy. Work, play, write, travel... I hardly have time for it all.

I am at my best under these conditions. I work well under pressure. I like forcing myself to be productive. And having the chance to excel. I've decided I need competition in my life. What's the point if I don't have someone to one up? Even if that someone is only myself.

The only discouraging thing is my severe lack of money to show for all my business. True I am broker than a joke at the moment. But I will just consider that another challenge.


Lacey says....

Hahahaha, yes! I'm having so much fun right now. Out here in the open, for all the people to gawk at, to fear. I want them all to see me, to love me for reasons they are unsure of. And right when I have them where I want them, I will switch it up and change the game. Confuse them. Weed out the weak ones. Destroy them.

This season is much better than I could have ever imagined. I'm living it up while I can.

You know what they say... the higher they rise, the harder they fall. And we are pretty fuckin high right now. Just remember what happened last November, and the November before that, and even the November before that! The leaves fall, and the snow sets in. And all those grand emotions we fire up suddenly become stifled by the cold. It creates a mess. A mess we have narrowly made it through in the past.

The joy will die with the first snow. As soon as I'm caged, I will lose it, like always. I know it. You know it. We all know it.

So skip to the sway of the ticking clock sucking away the seconds. Play well now. Pay the price later.

Do you understand... FINALLY?!!!

Amanda says...

I visited a haunted house in Phoenix. It felt nice to scratch the itch I always feel around this time of year.


Lacey says...

I went home. I forgot how much I missed it.

The smell is gone. So are the dark corners. And the ghosts. (I never would have thought I would miss them.) But it still feels perfect. And the same old music is playing... "You couldn't turn back time, thank you, Einstein. Now he... HE was nuts!"

And waiting for me was a synthetic joker, a would be Dark Night with a fake smile. He tried so very hard to stand his ground. Silly boy.

We'll see what the funny man looks like
When he frowns
I'll turn that smile upside down
Pull those teeth out one by one
I won't stop till they're all gone

It's so easy to play a person
Who's already been portrayed
But I dare you!
Plunge deep within yourself
Pull out the darkest pieces
And put them on parade
For all the people to poke and prod at
Plunder your pain
Pillage the potential
Pick at the possibilities

You are far too frightened to be fearless
You are a fake
You are finishd

Oh...
Why so serious now?

He got in my face and tried so hard to make me see the funny side of life. He did his best to stare me down and convince me of his freedom. But when I did nothing but stare back, with a silent intent that led him to believe I would destroy him if only I wasn't contained, he coward before me. Despite his best efforts, he was not a worthy adversary. He wanted me to see chaos in him. Instead, he found it within me. Once he saw it, he wouldn't even look at me anymore. It seems I still have a place where the more I hate people, the better the show. And it's a good thing. It's a great thing.

Funny how a spook house can be so important. For Christ sake it's just a bunch of ply wood and eerie lighting. But it brought me out to play. I guess something real can emerge from make-believe.


Sparky says...

God I love to perform! Especially in a place where I particularly fit in. I really think that someday I just may run away and join a sideshow. It just feels so right sometimes.