A Circus

Amanda says...

You know the history of people with disabilities is truly fascinating. A story that offers a little bit of everything... tradgety, triumph, rage, confusion, deception, honesty. Sometimes even beauty. Sometimes even romance. But it's a history I find is not often discussed.

I own the movie Freaks by Todd Browning. Most people have not seen or even heard of it. It is a horror movie that was made in the 30s that featured genuine, side-show freaks with real physical deformities. I can't think of one person I have shown the movie to that wasn't extremely disturbed by it in one way or another. I have never met anyone (aside from my parents) who, like me, have an honest affection for it. The history of "freaks" is my history. They are my people. For that reason I have had an almost obsession with the study of how they have been portrayed over time. Greek mythology, the Holocaust, literature and film (any sort of art, really), etc.--you can find traces of their existance in all of it dating back to the beginning of time. You would think I would find a feeling of companionship in my persuit of knowledge about them. The truth is, it only makes me feel lonely.

"Normal" people do not really like to know this history. The old truth holds strong that people fear what they don't understand. And most people from the disabled community that I have met...well let's just say they don't like to think about the "injustices" of the past. And most of them certainly do not like to entertain the notion of exploitation. But I suppose that is understandable.

So here I am, with this extensive knowledge of something that interests me above almost all things. Here I am with a knowledge of my people. Where we have been. What we have gone through. But I have no one to really talk to about it that enjoys it. Or understands it.

I don't know if I feel discouraged. Or maybe a little defiant. Perhaps both.

Lacey says...

Just face the facts. People don't like freaks. And you are a freak who just happens to be pretty good at parading around like those "normal" people you claim to feel so shunned by. In a way, it's almost like one big fucking joke. I mean, you honestly can't believe you can belong to both worlds, can you?

The way I see it, you can either shine it on, perfect your act, and be a great success in the world of the normies. You will really have to shape up, though, to do that. You can't very well be normal if you don't look it. And at the moment, you don't. Or you can embrace your history. Embrace your flaws. Be the freak that you really are. And live a life of alienation and solitude. It just comes down to what you want more.

Personally, I think you are much better as a freak. I mean why even try to be a part of the normie circus when you probably can't pull it off? You will probably end up completely alone in the end for it. But at least you will have lived a life that no one else defined for you.