Groggy Thoughts

The Narrator says...

She wakes up after having slept for 14 hours. Her head is killing her. It is a pain she goes to sleep with and wakes up with now, no matter how easy she tries to take it. The only thing that seems to numb her these days are the drugs. Marijuana, muscle relaxers, Zomig... these have become her new friends.

Her head is reeling with pain and bad thoughts. You would think after 14 hours she would feel refreshed, rejuvenated...ready. Instead she feels disoriented and absolutely terrified. Nothing comes to her clearly anymore, it seems. This phantom illness is beginning to take a firmer hold on her mind, the only thing she has ever had control over. It is taking it from her.

She wakes from strange dreams. Dreams filled with the past. She has been dreaming of the only one she has ever loved. Strange dreams, where he is completely present, yet distant. Always in the room with her or walking (yes, she dreams of walking now) beside her, but careful to never touch her. A metaphorical mirror of their true to life relationship. It almost feels as if he is saying goodbye in the best way he can. No...it is more that she is saying goodbye.

Isolation is becoming her new M.O. Her friends wonder where she has disappeared to, and why. She makes up whatever excuse seems convenient at the time. But the truth is, she knows they cannot help her. And she has lived enough of this life to know that it is unfair to make the ones that love you watch as you suffer when they cannot do a thing to help you. Not a single thing. So she has begun to lie to her friends to protect them. And in all honesty, to protect herself. To protect the little pride she has left. She does not want to them to see her in more pain than she can handle. She does not want them to see how much she is losing her mind to it.

She fears she is dying. Slowly and painfully. It has made her realize how much she wants to live. She hates how ironic it all is. She spent so much of her life wanting to be dead. Now that she feels she might actually get her wish, she wants nothing more than to take it back. She wants to make a new wish. But no longer has any clear idea of what she wants. Or what she could actually have.