Family

Amanda says...

I love my family, but I don't think I will ever go on a family vacation with them again. We are all too crazy to spend more than a whole day together, let alone seven. Trying to cater to them while maintaining a necessary facade in front of them is exhausting.

Parts of Mexico were beautiful, though. I love the ocean, especially at dawn. And good food. I had this banana cake covered in chocolate that ranks in the top three most incredible things I have ever tasted.

My father.

"Why? Because I am the patriarch! And when the patriarch says jump, you jump, goddammit!"

-Running With Scissors

He can be such an infuriating man. Hypocritical and sometimes just cruel. I always feel like I'm being scrutinized by him. If one little piece of me is not in the right place, I know he will see it and judge me for it. He holds me to expectations he could never hold himself to. He can't communicate! Instead of saying something pisses him off, he just gets pissed off and then blames me for it. He will insult me and then go off and pout. He will realize he was wrong and then feel bad. Instead of saying he's sorry, he will treat me like gold. Sometimes he will suddenly buy me something. I'm constantly left confused. Did I do something wrong or not? I will never really know.

But he is fascinating. And I know he is the way he is for good reasons. I hope he learns someday that I'm the same way.

My sister.

-"If I just met you on the street. If you gave me your phone number... I'd throw it away"

-"Well, we don't have to like each other, Jo. We're family."

-Home for the Holidays

The bottom line is my sister doesn't like me. And I don't think I like her. But we are still close, because we are sisters. I really don't mind that we don't like each other. It's not a problem to me, almost irrelevant. But it's a problem for her constantly. And when she has a problem, then I have a problem. Thus, conversations between us can turn sour quickly.

...and she is always fucking poking me in someway or another. Either touching my ears, or pulling my hair, or actually taking her index finger and literally poking me. Like an annoying 5 year old little sister. And do you wanna know why... because she can! I'm a cripple who doesn't move fast enough to do anything about it, so she can. Her thinking really is that fucked up. She has always loved inflicting physical pain on me. Once when we were in middle school I casually walked up to a conversation her and my mother were having and before I said a word she smacked me across the face. After which she immediately hugged me and sincerely apologized saying she really had no idea why she had done it. ...but keep in mind, I've always been the "crazy" one.

She is a hypochondriac too, constantly feigning cramps at any time of the month or suddenly popping a Xanax before bed claiming she's having an anxiety attack. Sometimes I wonder if it's because she grew up with a sister who had sincere medical problems throughout childhood. How else was she suppose to compete with her older sister? I had a really hard time dealing with it on the trip. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to tell her to cowboy the fuck up! One day she had back problems and she looked at me with teary eyes and said, "I just wish I could get a back transplant." I had to hobble away from the conversation.

She does stick up for me, though. On a whale watching boat, she got several men to agree to carry me up to the top of the boat. If I hadn't been so sea-sick at puking I would have let them. I wonder what she said to them. Ha.

My brother.

"Soon. Everything's going to be alright. Yeah. Soon. Just wait for me. I'll be back soon. You'll wait, right? Just wait. I'm coming. I am. And I'm sorry. I'm real sorry."

-Requiem for a Dream

I understand this movie so much better now that I have lived with my brother. It's like a whole new movie. A lot sadder now.

My brother and I reconnected. ...I think. He said his life is straight now. He has a job and he said he did well in school this last semester. I hope so. He's the only child in college right now and it would make my dad happy. He said that everything that happened when he lived with me was the second dumbest thing he's ever done after going to prison. He said he was sorry.

I really want to believe him. I wanted to just know that, of course, it's all true. I don't want to question it. But I do. It makes me really sad. But what can I do... nothin'.

My mother.

"Yes, I understand. A lot of people enjoy being dead. But they're not really dead. They're just backing away from life. They're players--but they sit on the bench. The game goes on before them. At any moment they can join in. Reach out! Take a chance! Get hurt maybe. But play as well as you can. Go team, go! Give me an L. Give me an I. Give me a V. Give me an E. LIVE!!! Otherwise you'll have nothing to talk about in the locker room."

-Harold and Maude

She is the most beautiful creature I know. I don't think I could ever get sick of being with her. We understand each other.

But I'm worried about her lately. I think she may be losing her mind a little bit. With all of us kids gone, she's acting funny these days. I'm hoping it's menopause. I'm hoping it is her quirky way of coming into her own now that she is getting a little older. I think she is just a little confused. She needs time to figure things out, whatever they may be. And if that means she needs to randomly look at me sometimes and say things like "ferris wheel" with an excited look in her eye, then so be it. I'll be along for the ride.

I caught her staring at me on one of the plane rides. She smiled. I asked her, "What?" She said, "You are just so beautiful... like... like... Esmeralda!!!" I smiled back at her. I always thought of myself more like the Hunchback. But it makes me happy to know she thinks that about me. Sometimes I think she knows she is the only one who says things like that to me and means it. Which makes me even happier that she said it.

I think I am separating myself from my family. I'm becoming a separate entity. But it's okay. I think it's what we all want.