Unworthy

"They were right about you...

Lying to my face again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it put it on the fautline
What'll it take to get it through to you, precious?
I'm over this.
Why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess, I'm over this, over this!"
-A Perfect Circle

Lacey says...

I find it truly amusing how we little girls are almost always taught that men are these courageous creatures. Pillars of strength, men are supposedly so brave. Ha. What a beautiful illusion. Surprisingly affective. Perhaps because these ideal men so rarely are faced with a real challenge.

I am a challenge. My very existence is threatening. I am the unknown and completely aware of it. The confusion this creates within all men I encounter has almost become comforting. Reliable, like clock work. I am not to be manipulated ever, and the game that men play to capture the awe of the "weaker sex" relies extensively upon manipulation. And the empty vessels which are almost all women make for such keen prey, so ripe with the decay of ignorance. They long to be plucked by the selfish hand of males who are all too eager to indulge in the harvest of the seeds they so carefully planted and tenderly cared for.

But what should happen if something should rise from the ground they did not plant themselves? ...fear. This is a creature not of their making, therefore beyond their control. And what the hell are they going to do with that?

So what am I really talking about? What deeper meaning can be found laced within all this talk of courage (or lack thereof) and forbidden fruits?

As of recently my insecure side has gotten the best of me, unfortunately. So I thought what better cure for the emo blues than a nice ego boost? So I began questioning the men I have been involved with as to whether or not they still found me attractive. All of them admitted they did. (Score for me!) But only an idiot is so easily convinced. I asked them why they thought I was attractive. I was given several generic answers like "Because you are hot and awesome" or they simply didn't answer my question at all. Not a single one of them could give me a decent answer. Not a single fucking one. They all saw an opportunity, and they took their first steps to sieze it. But none of them could seal the deal, because in order to do that they all knew they had to outsmart me by coming up with an answer I would believe, which is no easy feat. They couldn't just tell me the truth, which was either they didn't know and that scared them or they only found me attractive as a willing particpant who met the "just hot enough" par. None of them could rise to the challenge. All of them proved to be useless cowards.

Do any of them even stop to consider that admitting they are scared of me is actually appealing to me? That I would welcome them with open arms if they just admitted I have the upper hand over them? No. Because none of them are interested in being defeated. In their minds, I am not worth surrending control. In my mind...they are not worthy of my control.

Of course there is always my dream of finding the one man who has the upper hand over me. The one man who can outsmart me. The one who can dazzle me. The one who can pull me under. For now, I guess I will dwell within my covetted nightmare. Because the men within my reality no longer make suitable play things.