Little Trooper

Sparky says...

I am beginning to really love being me. Often times, my life is more entertaining than tv. Usually, I find myself in a state of almost suspended reality, where the general social rules of courtesy and political correction are forgotten. My life is one giant social experiment. And so, by recent popular demand, and for your reading pleasure, I have compiled a collection of my best "little trooper" stories. Enjoy.


You Go Girl
How many times do you open a door for yourself? A couple times a day, maybe. Do you ever find yourself marveling at how utterly amazing the act is? I dare say not. In fact, I bet it is so routine an act that you hardly take note of it all. Well, believe it or not, I myself don't think much of it when I reach for the handle of a door, pull it open, and scoot nonchelauntly inside. I admit there is a trick to it that I have mastered over the years, but generally speaking, it is just no big deal for me, as I am sure it is no big deal for you. However, I guess there is an element of spectacular to the truly heroic way I swing those doors open, since many times I find myself attracting attention from onlookers. People "oooo" and "aaawe," sometimes offering me words of encouragement, strangely compelled by some civic duty to tell a perfect stranger (me) just how proud they are. My favorite of these strange encounters being one I had with a Polynesian woman who happens to work with me.

On my way back into work one day, I unlocked the door with my badge and swung the door open, just as I would on any normal, miserable work day. Once I was clearly already half-way through the door, I heard from behind me "You sure you got that, sweetie?" I looked behind me, to find a somewhat portly, absolutely adorable dark-skinned woman standing at the end of the hallway with a smile on her face. I smiled graciously back and said, "Yup, I'm good. Thank you." She suddenly cocked her head to one side, and said to me with a touch of attitude, "Oh you go on with your bad self, girl!" She was so sincere! Really! I couldn't help but giggle as I scooted off to my cubicle, feeling lucky I had found myself under such adoring observation.

I guess what is generic for most is actually considered strangely rebellious for me.

Can I Get That For You?
If some random, apparently logical, adult came up to you and starting speaking and acting as if you were incompetant, how well do you think that conversation would go for you? While they spoke to you like an infant and violated your personal space with unwated hands on your back, do you think you could contain your composer? Could you keep your cool? Would you laugh? Would you cry? Would you scream at them to go off and find themselves a goddamn clue? Honestly, I could tell you about countless situations wherein which I have experienced almost every possible reaction. I have become a pro at controlling my responses in a manner that seems appropriate for whatever condescending situation I find myself in. However, I admit, some situations still catch me off guard and I find myself shocked at the downright stupidity and lack of decency some people really have when it comes to me.

One Saturday evening, I was off to go party my pants off with my friends, as had become our usual weekend tradition. On the way there, I stopped at the liquor store to pick up my usual bottle of Jaggermeister and something else for the rest of the party. One quick loop around the store, and I had picked up three bottles of liquor, and got in line to pay. As I was waiting in line, I dug through my pockets, and to my dismay realized I had left my I.D. in a pair of pants at home. So I gave it up right then and there and got out of line. I realize that cripples NEVER lie, and therefore we can get away with a hell of a lot, but buying liquor from a state-run store in Utah when you still look possibly underage... I wasn't feeling that brave. Just as I was putting one of the bottles back on the shelf, the cashier for the line I was in, came sprinting up to me. Apparently she had followed me when I strayed away, abandoning several customers waiting. She leaned down, put her hand on my back and said, "Hey, honey, did you leave it in your car? I will go get it for you." I politely smiled back and said, "No, I left it at home. But thank you so much anyways." Suddenly, she stood up and started walking around my scooter, saying, "Well I am just going to check for you, honey," as she starting searching my scooter for the phantom I.D. Just as she had her hand on the edge of the pocket on the back of my seat, I scooted forward, away from her, the lip of the pocket snapping back as I did. I looked behind me baffled, and said, "No, it's at home. I promise," while she stood their confused. I quickly put the other bottles back and booked it out of the store. I was scared of what I might say to her should she want to continue the utterly ridiculous conversation, which had now attracted the attention of half the people there. I was afraid I might have to explain to them why I had run her the fuck over and screamed in her face, "Oh I'm sorry I ran you over, honey... a dur a dur a dur!!!!!" Chances are the woman was so ignorant she probably would have forgiven me. Because in the world she lives in being crippled is the same thing as being stupid and harmless and perfectly incapable. Oh wait... I think I am talking about her. Ha.

Special
How many times have you had a creep hit on you in bar? Yes, it happens all the time to all sorts of people. Is it much fun? Does it make you feel all pretty and stuff? Or does it make you feel more like you forgot to throw up and you will be right back? I'm going to go with the latter. So what kind of creeps tend to take a liking to you? Cougars, sugar daddies, loners, furries, serial killers, pedophiles...? How about someone with a cripple fetish? Yes, it actually does exist. And yes, often times I find myself the target of such perverts. They tend to have a certain M.O., one I have become exceptionally well at spottong over the years. But sometimes, these creepers abandon any sort of a plan, and go straight in for the kill! These people should just die. Period.

I could not tell you why, but I have found that people in New Mexico love us cripples! I'm not sure what it is, but I attract creepers from every walk of life when I go out there. A week ago, I was out there visiting one of my oldest friends. My last night there we, along with her boyfriend and his friend, decide to go out to a bar and have ourselves a good time. Oh what a time it was...

I knew the guy was trouble the moment I saw him. The second my friend's boyfriend wheeled me into the place, this fifty-something, gray-haired, scrawny, drunk man with with some wicked stubble on his face looked right at me and said "Hi!" We shall call him Earl (why not?). I gave him a confused look, but smiled, and said "Hi." I looked up at the boyfriend, giving him the clue that we should move away from him now, please. We found a table, and I sat down with my back to Earl. The boyfriend's friend, who by the way had just met me, sat down across from me. We were not sitting there even a minute before I saw a look of panic flash into his eyes. Suddenly, Earl had his arm around me and his cheek pressed against mine. Cue inner and outer dialogue...

Me: Okay, don't panic. It's only going to get more awkward if I panic.
Earl: "Hello there, Sweetheart!"
Me: "...hi..." Why the fuck is he calling me sweetheart? Oh my God, I can actually feel his stubble scratching my face and smell the liquor on his breath. Gross!
Earl: (Sitting down next to me and grabbing my hand with both of his and carressing it.) "I'm a nurse and I just want you to know that you are one special girl. (He then kisses my hand.)
Me: What does you being a nurse have to do with ANYTHING, you jack ass?! Does it somehow forgive the fact that you are currently molesting my hand? Okay, focus, you have to get rid of this guy. "Well thanks, man. I do what I can." (And I flash him my million dollar smile.)

Earl then preceeded to stare at me with a goofy, drunk smile on his face, till my friend's boyfriend gave him a pat on the back said "Alright, man, " politely dropping the hint that it was time to move on from the handicap girl, there was nothing left to see. Thank God, Earl took the hint and calmly returned to his seat and apparently stared at the back of my head for the rest of the night. I dare not try to imagine what the hell he must of been thinking as he tried to burn a hole through the back of my head with his eyes, attempting to reach and alter the part of my brain that had dubbed him absolutely vile. All I know is it was a cold fucking feeling going up and down my spine all night.

Shortly after Earl returned to his seat, the friend turned to me and asked with a puzzled look on his face, "Does that happen to you often?" How could I explain it to him, I thought. How do I show an outsider the crazy social happenings that go on in my world? I decided not to even try. I just smiled, as always, and said with my never-failing wit, "That guy was a bit over the top. But really...you have no idea!"


So there you have it. A small glimpse at my every day life and the people in it. Perhaps now you have a better understanding of where my poise and sense of humor comes from, and why they are essential to my mental survival in this world. I can't help but find the stupidity of others assuming I'm stupid amusing. It really is true... sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.

Please, laugh with me. :)