Oh Herro?

Amanda says...

Let's forget about love for a moment. I've never been much good at it. Sex, on the other hand... well let's just say I have a better understanding of that.

Back in the day, when I was an actual college student, I took a a psychology class called Deviant Behavior. It was one of my favorite classes and I did exceptionally well in it. Go figure. I remember learning about and being fascinated by sexual deviance. The broadest definition for sexual deviance is simply any sexual act that deviates from the social norm. This leaves room for much interpretation, based on things like culture, religion, age, etc. I learned that sexual behaviors considered deviant within the United States could be things as extreme as peodophilia, to something as miniscule as engaging in sexual activities with any article of clothing on. I guess fucking with socks on is considered kinky by the ones calling the societal shots.

I have been doing some extensive thinking about my past, specifically the men I have been involved with throughout my life. It is no secret that my past contains a colorful array of experiences, and an even more colorful collection of men. My "love" life has been anything but boring.

Why am I always attracting the special kids, the characters, and sometimes, the creeps? I have never experienced anything even remotely close to "boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy and girl live happily ever after." It's always more like "boy meets girl, boy is fascinated by girl, boy stalks girl, boy lusts after girls, boy is terrified of girl, boy never committs but never moves on from girl, boy and girl live confused and unhappily ever after." With various twists and turns in between. For Christ's sake, I even have a sexual reputation that preceeds me at times! Why? Seriously...why?

This line of inquistive thought led to some very intense introspection, which thereby led to a fascinating epiphony: Any man ever attracted to me will be considered a sexual deviant. They must be. There is nothing about me that falls within the relm of societal norms, but more specifically, I cannot possibly fall within sexual societal norms. It is not possible.

I am not tall. I am not blonde. I am not big breasted. I am not tan. I am not sweet. But more importantly, and even more apparent... I will never entrance a man with the movement of my hips as I walk across a room. I will never amaze him with my suggestive flexibility. I will never be a master of the Karma Sutra. I will never run off into the sunset.

I am a cripple. Therefore, I am a deviant. Furthermore, anyone attracted to me is a sexual deviant.

Even more fascinating than this realization is the conclusion I have reached. I do not feel discouraged. I do not feel angry. I do not feel bad in any way. Rather, I feel relieved. Why should I continue to look for something that will always be beyond my reach? I know now that my experiences, as different as they may seem to others, are perfectly normal to me. I dwell in a different relm of normalcy. I always have, I always will. Why fight what I cannot change?

I'm a freak. I didn't ask for this part. But you best believe I will play it well.

(And have way more fun than you in the process.)