"Become a carnivour, on a tour of duty."
Lacey says...
I really wish I could view my life from an outsider's perspective. At least once. Just so I could see it subjectively. I feel like I am so blinded by pain sometimes that I really can't see anything for what it really is, even the pain itself. I am lost in it. Very, very lost.
Sometimes I entertain the idea that I have made it all up. That my life has been cake, free of any real problems. Sometimes I like to pretend that I am just an attention whore, who hasn't really had to deal with anything bad. That I have led a boring, easy life, and I just want people to think my life has been exciting and full of hardships. I wonder what it would be like to have that option, the option of lying about it. But the truth is, it really has all happened. And I have never particularly liked too much attention from others.
She/I/We have led a very difficult life where very few things have been easy. And I have always been best at charging it. Head butting the shit that constantly seems to happen to her. Fighting my way to the end of the battle, doing my best to leave it in the dust behind me. And I am good at it (at least I was), for the most part. She loves to think it has made her stronger. But it hasn't. It has only made me jaded and bitter. I am getting tired. And she is getting tired of me.
The pain alientates her, which is why I prefer to be alone. The ridiculous task of trying to relate to people who have no fucking clue how to comfort you is just not worth it. I could not have possibly gotten through all the shitty things if I had been simultaneously trying to get along with people who have never been in my position. No one likes to hear the "little trooper" really hates her life sometimes. And I can't say I blame them. I fucking hate whiners too. Why do you think I hate myelf so much? I am beyond everyone's understanding. I really am alone in our pain. And it feels like it has been a long time and I don't think I can change at this point.
I think the tradgety of it all is I am not much good at anything but pain. I have been doing it for so long, I have no idea what it feels like to do anything else well. All I expect is pain. There has always been something I have had to just get through and there always will be. My life will never be easy. I will always be struggling with something. Is it a self-fufilling prophecy? Pessimsm? Or just life? Sometimes I really think I was destined for a life of pain. But my biggest secret is that I will always hope I am wrong about that.
I want a fucking vacation. That would rock.
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