Dr. Spitfire

"She tells me I'm pretty bullet.

An imitation Christ."

-Marilyn Manson

Sparky says...

These days I seem to be the person that most people come to for advice. I find it so interesting since I know so very little about my own life and where it is going, yet I am phenomenal at sorting out other people's bullshit. People come to me to be saved. And usually, it fucking works. I don't know why. It just happens. Maybe it's because I take a genuine interest in other people. They are simply so interesting.

My fascination with people has been my greatest defense mechanism. Since I have always felt outcasted in one way or another by pretty much everyone, what else was there to do with with my time but observe? It was really a choice between that or becoming isolated from anything social. And who would choose that lonely of a life? I often found myself tagging along with people just so I could watch them in all sorts of situations. I knew I was more of a burden than people cared to admit. I knew I was like the awkward little sibling that follows the older one around in an attempt to feel grown up. (Kind of like a pet cripple.) But I just didn't care. I learned to not only accept the bitter truth that I would NEVER fit in, I actually became grateful for it. Since no one ever took me seriously, they would tend to ignore me. It allowed me to become invisible and witness events I really shouldn't and see sides of people they rarely showed others. While they all viewed me as inconsequetial, I was analyzing their dialogue and body language, cataloguing their actions, filing it away for some time in the future. As if I somehow knew the at the time useless knowledge would become incredibly important to people in the future.

People have called me a muse. People have called me wise. People have even hinted that I may even be divine in some way (silly, silly people). I have absolutely no idea if they are right. It's not really important if they are or not. What is important is that people find the best in themselves when they are around me. And that reminds me that I must be worth something.

Though, the meniacle side of myself would be so disappointed if I didn't also point out that it makes me feel ...tempted. I am aware of my sway over people. I could so easily steer them in the wrong direction. Offer them bad advice with a sweet little smile on my face that just wouldn't allow them to see my less than honorable intentions. Everyone is just damn lucky I am a good person, somehow. I would never dream of manipulating someone who didn't deserve it.