What is it called when you have a question that never ends? A question that loops... What came first the chicken or the egg? That kind of annoying shit that inspired the song that never ends...
(Nina whispers... A conundrum.)
A conundrum! Yes, a conundrum! I fuckin hate those. I hate it even worse when I find ones in my life. Conundrums belong in philosophy books. Not in my life. Not in my head. And vice versa.
I hate myself when I am high these days. I don't hate myself because I'm high, I really don't feel remorse or shame about it. I feel like I hate myself when I'm high.
I'm not sure if it's because I lie to myself when I'm high, or because I tell myself the bitter, honest truth. I seriously don't know.
And here is the kicker of the whole thing, the real joke Jesus is playing on me... while I feel miserable mentally, I feel phenomenal physically. My constant little aches and pains fall silent for an hour or so. The pain hasn't gone away, though. It's morphed. The physical pain becomes mental.
It's as if my pain is separate from myself, so I cannot control or destroy it, but it dwells within me. The pain always exists, in one way or another. Almost as if it must. It's eternal, like a demon.
Maybe that is why the thought of possession scares the hell out of me. Because I really am possessed. Only not by something supernatural. I am possessed by a very worldly pain.
Do you suppose you can exercise something worldly from your body? How do you think one would do that?
Something radical is about to happen in my life! Monumental! I can feel it. Like the Tower card in the Tarot!!! Reward from catastrophe. A baptism by fire. Rebirth.
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