Should Old Aquaintance Be Forgot

Sparky says...

The new year has found me very busy and creative. And contankerous. I'm packed far too full with spectacular ideas that one tiny tap on the wrong part of my head is going to send me into some ill-founded mania where someone is bound to get hurt.

I have been isolating myself in an attempt to protect myself and everyone around me from an outburst. I know I can be so irrational at times like this. I feel this overwhelming urge to be alone. Alone with my ideas. I also feel like the key to my success this year is going to be dependance only upon myself. I need to get to know myself intimately again, inside and out. But more I keep dwelling on the sincere feeling that I cannot play nicely with people right now, whether that's fair or not.

I am so fucking anxious it's ridiculous! I need a release. I need to get in a fight with some insignificant person about something even more insignificant. A fight for the sake of a fight! Oh oh, or I need to have some really angry sex, where we both end up sweaty, sore and exhausted, and possibly even bloody. Too bad I ditched Mr. Lemon Pie. I could always rely on him to come through for me when it came to angry sex. He knew just what to say to bring me even closer to the edge of pure hysteria in those moments. It was beautiful...


Perhaps some of my anxiety is stemming from the fact that my pet rat, Niccodemus, is dying. He is just not dying fast enough. He's always been a crazy rat, he killed and ate one of his brothers 2 years ago. He has spent his life in his cage alone ever since, growing even more psychotic and vicious as time has gone on. He stopped coming out of his cage a year ago. He has reached the point now where he has started chewing his own testicles off, an obvious sign that his psychosis has reached a very dangerous point where he is now hurting himself. It is time to put him down, and I realize now I should have done it a long time ago. I'm not sure how I am going to do it, (I have attempted to overdose him on alcohol and muscle relaxers 4 times, but to no avail) but I know it has to be done tonight. I can't go one more night with him sitting in his cage in the other room, gnawing off his manhood because he has become so miserable.

I had a dream about two weeks ago about a giant mutant rat crawling down my hallway. He was at least three times the size of a normal rat, and he moved ever so slowly. He wouldn't stop screaming. It was this awful sound, the sound a dying creature makes. In my dream, Niccodemus ran down the hallway, past the mutant, towards me and nuzzled himself into my clothing. He was so scared. I can't stop thinking about it and how I feel like it is suppose to mean something. I almost feel like it was Niccodemus' way of telling me he is becoming a monster and I am suppose to stop it. Even though I know that is stupid, he is just a rat.

The whole story of Niccodemus is far more significant than just the story of a rat. It scares how much I feel I might relate to him someday, this psychotic little creature. He's probable lonely too.

I think I will write his story. After I kill him.

I've never killed anything. I hope I never have to again. It's too stressful.