Jibberish

Lacey says...

There is something banging away in my mind. This bundle of furious emotion that I have been hording away for years. Experiences and feelings that I constantly just throw onto the back burner. Or tuck away in a dark corner. It's like a giant ball of yarn, all tangled up. It has become unrecognizable. I no longer even know how to talk about it.

I have always struggled with real feelings. When someone asks me the question "How are you?" I always have an automatic response of fine. I mean, what would someone actually do if I said I wasn't fine?

My life has been about projecting and preserving the image of strength. Throughout my ENTIRE life I have overcome one battle after another after another after another. There will always be a struggle of some sort that I know I can get through. That is just what I do. And I realize that is what everyone does. But dammit, why have I always had trouble admitting that my battles have been more difficult than others'? I can't even take pride in the fact that I have gotten through things that almost nobody in this world ever could. Or could even imagine getting through. Maybe it's because certain things shouldn't be bragged about. Maybe it is because pain is meant to be left behind and forgotten. Or maybe it's because I just don't trust a single person anymore. I have been disappointed too much. I have been betrayed too much.

There have been times in my life I have asked for help. They have been few and far between, and they have always been met with disappointment. Any person I have shown weakness to has hurt me. Every single one of them. In my times of pure desperation when I have actually admitted that I could not do something alone, I have always been betrayed by the people I have chosen to confide in. I suppose it is safe to say that this has taught me it is human nature for people to take advantage of the weak. People see an opportunity to get ahead, and they take it, even at the expense of someone who doesn't deserve it. It has happened to me over and over and over again. Some might say I have been trusting the wrong people. To this I say, how was I suppose to know? The most vicious predators are the ones in disguise.

So I learned to be strong. Alone. I learned to rely only on myself.

It is a safe place. But it is a lonely place. Very, very lonely.

Putting my complete trust in someone is something I crave more than anything. I also fear it more than anything. I want to tell someone about my life. Everything that I've been through. All the horrible things I've experienced. All the pain, physical and mental, I have felt. But I don't know how. I'm not even sure I know how to trust anymore.